Dedication to late father during ceremony - HELP
Q.I am looking for some suggestions - or improvements on my idea. I am getting married in January and my father just passed away last month of a heart attack. I had of course, planned on him walking me down the aisle. My parents were divorced, but neither remarried and things were very amicable with them. Now, my mom will walk me down the aisle. The song "Butterfly Kisses" was very special to my dad and I, and since it also talks in the song about walking his daughter down the aisle, I wanted to incorporate it at the ceremony rather than just play it at the reception. Mom walks me down the aisle to the Wedding March Then, once we get to the end my mom joins my hands with my fiances and we stand there together while a friend sings Butterfly Kisses and dedicates it to my dad. After the song, the minister can do the "who gives her away" part, and my mother will say "Her father and I" and then go sit down. What do you think? I know it will be a pause in the procedings, but Im thinking under the circumstances people will understand. Also - Ive seen several weddings where someone sang a song in the middle of the ceremony and the B&G just stood there waiting.
A.It's not the singing of the song that's the problem. It's that you're taking part of your wedding ceremony and turning it into a mini memorial service for your father. Unless doing so is expected and commonplace in your cultural background, this is something very likely to backfire. It may overwhelm you or your mother. It may ambush and overwhelm other guests, some of whom were undoubtedly close to your father. It may ambush and overwhelm other guests who are dealing with their own losses unbeknownst to you. You run the risk of starting your wedding ceremony with something that will throw a serious wet blanket over the entire festive occasion, with people reliving their losses rather than celebrating your future. The important people will remember him no matter what you do, and will feel his presence even if you don't draw attention to his absence. Of what benefit is it to expose *everyone* (particularly those guests who don't know it's coming) to this grief? I'd be shedding a tear just seeing you come down the aisle without your father, knowing that he had recently passed away. I'd be a basket case for the rest of the ceremony if I had to listen to that song at the end of the processional--and I don't even know your father! That said, there's no reason you can't do any number of things that are meaningful to *you* (or your mother) that won't be so out of place. You could discreetly work that song (or another favorite of his) into the service, perhaps as an instrumental so it wouldn't be so blatant. You could carry something special of his (a handkerchief, a piece of jewelry, a Bible) on your person. You could choose his favorite flowers for your bouquet. If it is customary in your church, you could mention that the altar flowers are dedicated in his memory in the order of service. You could gather the family for a private prayer or candlelighting before the ceremony proper. If it's nearby, you could stop and leave your flowers on his grave on your way to the reception. You could have the florist incorporate a few butterflies into the altar arrangement (or even your bouquet), and you and your immediate family would know they were there as a special representation of your father's love. There is a long standing tradition that the trappings of mourning are not appropriate at weddings (obligatory disclaimer: except in traditions where that is considered customary, and you'd know if you were part of that heritage). If there was a loss in the immediate family, the wedding was postponed. Guests who were observing deep mourning didn't go to weddings so as not to inflict their grief on the happy proceedings. Guests didn't wear black, so as to avoid the appearance of being in mourning (unless they were trying to make a less-than-gracious statement!). It's not a matter of trying to sweep loved ones under the carpet and pretend like there's never been any loss. It's just a matter of trying to allow the happiness of the day to flourish--which, I imagine, is what your father would have wanted. To think that if you do not make a big deal of his absence, the people who matter will not feel his presence in their hearts is to underestimate the bonds you share and the love people have for your father.
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